So I was planning to post this the past couple weeks, but we
were in Hyderabad for debrief. Which was amazing!! That’s what the pictures are
from. And then the other two weeks the internet decided not to work. So here it
is finally!
This is at a fort we went to. It’s Golkonda Forts or something like that. It was crazy to see everything. There was like the kings room and the ballroom, and court house and it was all made from this stone stuff. It was really cool
I would just tell you the one experience, but there are two
moments that I really want to share. So here’s the first one:
As you know I was debating whether to go home or not because
of the boil/staff infection situation, and you probably figured out by now that
I stayed, but I was having a hard time knowing if I was doing the right thing
or not. Well, God definitely told me. It was a week after I had gotten my boils
cut open, I was doing an extensive devotional time because I was thinking about
so much and I was trying to search for answers. I started reading “Pathways of
Peace”. The passages and quotes in the beginning were all encouraging and it
helped me calm down a little. Then towards the end, I came across a quote from
Charles Stanley. He said, “Often times God demonstrates His faithfulness in
adversity by providing for us what we need to survive. He does not change our
painful circumstances. He sustains us through them.” How much more could God
talk directly to my face? Seriously. When I read that I just smiled and started
to laugh/cry with joy. It’s so good to know He’s got my back. Then a couple
pages after that, James 1:2-4 was written. “My brothers and sisters, when you
have many kinds of troubles, you should be full of joy, because you know that
these troubles test your faith, and this will give you patience. Let your
patience show itself in what you do. Then you will be perfect and complete and
will have everything you need.” Um..more laughter and tears! It was such a
relief to read these things. You don’t even know how much more I feel like I
should be right here where I am. Staying at our apartment for a week and a half
gave me lots of time to think, pray, ask questions..get laundry done, and
definitely lots of time to spend with God. That’s exactly what I needed and God
gave it to me..it could have been for a different reason (instead of going
through so much pain), but then I wouldn’t have searched so hard for the reason
behind all this mess and then I wouldn’t have found God working right by my
side, helping me through it like He did. Everything is for a reason!
And this is the team plus Doug and one of the School Of Worship students, Ravi, at T.G.I. Fridays! So tasty. ..Sorry, Ali is trying to hide behind me, but she’s there.
And here’s the second moment I want to tell you (I was writing this 2 Sundays ago, so thats when it actually happened):
Okay, this morning I had a break down. We were in the middle
of team time. We were having worship when I started to cry, uncontrollably. The
tears just kept streaming down my face. I didn’t want to make a big deal about
it because I really didn’t know why I was crying. I asked Katie to come to my
room to talk and as soon as she asked what was wrong I just broke. I cried even
harder and I just explained how I can’t stop the tears but I have no clue why
I’m crying. I thought I was just so home sick, but I could tell that it was so
much more then that. We sat down and I poured out to her. I just started
talking. I told her I wanted a counselor or something so I had questions that I
could answer and things to make me think hard. I told you her about family
things, insecurities, friendships, anything that I had on my mind. Sometimes
she had advice, or questions, or just things to think about. That was for about
30 minutes. It helped so much. ..I thought I was done and better, so ate some
breakfast and got ready for church. ..To make the story a little shorter, I
ended up staying home with Katie because all those feelings came back again. I
read versus, wrote, processed what was going through my head, and just thought
a lot. I’m going to copy down some of what I wrote in my journal so you can
read it. It might seem all over the place because I literally just wrote what
was on my mind.
These are thoughts towards the end (the double period is
when I took a break, read something or was just thinking, then continued to
write): These feelings are so weird, I’m so happy that I’m smiling and
giggling, but then tears come pouring out with that. What does this mean? ..My
stomach feels full of air, almost high (not that I know what that feels like).
My head hurts, my nose is sniffly and red, my eyes are red and puffy from all
the tears, but it feels good to let them flow free and not worry about it or
anyone looking at me. ..I think I’m getting it. That feeling when you really
love God J
I just got it. I want Him more then anything right now. I wasn’t living it
earlier, I was just…living. God is working in me. I feel like I love Him so
much more now and I don’t even know why. I just feel joy. I want this trip to
be so powerful. I want to make the most of this trip, I want to share this joy
with everyone else. ..I’m so happy right now, but I’m balling, I don’t get it.
What does it mean? ..You are filling me with your joy, don’t ever ever stop. It
feels so good. I love you. I feel so light, I feel almost like I’m floating. I
sound crazy, but it’s true. It’s weird. Katie said, “They are peaceful tears.”
That was just 1 page of the 10 pages I wrote. It’s hard to
convey how I was feeling or sum up everything, but I wrote what was on my mind,
so I guess that’s the best I could do. But this experience was nothing I felt
before. Katie and I talked for a couple hours after I wrote that and it was
just such a relief to get everything out. God definitely wrecked me, and He is
still working in me because I still have moments I just want to cry. (I know,
you would think after crying all morning it would be all out, but nope.) It
felt so good to get out what I did though and I feel so much better. The Holy
Spirit filled me up, it was the craziest thing ever. Of my 18 years following
Jesus Christ, I never felt that way before!
Thank you God for working in me like You did, and thank you
Mom and Dad for the inspirational book. J
Update on the healing process: I am finally finished with my
medicine as of yesterday! Woohoo. I still have vitamins that I can take, but no
more antibiotics and such. The wounds are healing very well. They are getting
much smaller and scabbing over. I’ll continue to put band-aides on them until
they are completely healed, but that’s coming around fast so it won’t be too
much longer. Thank you all incredibly for your prayers! I felt them through the
whole week! You are amazing.
Prayer requests: Gods hand to continue to work in me and
break those walls down, to continue to hear His calling for my life ahead.
Ps. Sorry for such a long blog, but I really wanted to share
both stories with you. Hope you could kind of sense what I was going through.
