life.

Sorry this is the first blog I post in India…. but I feel like I need to process through my thoughts and emotions and after talking with sisters and family…. I need to just vent.

Tonight I found out that my Grandpa passed away.

I am still in shock. aside from the crying… I seem to be laughing a lot. My wires are crossed and all of the pain and frustration and sad feelings are coming out as laughter.

On one hand I am thankful that he is in Heaven really enjoying life-  dancing around, boogying with God. What a sight that would be 🙂  I have a peace about this sad reality I am facing…. granted the tears came and are still coming… lots of them as I talked to family. However I keep getting visions of him soooo happy…and eating LOTS of Sanders Hot Fudge (his favorite) by the handful.

Heavens gotta be so stinking cool. I mean you can literally do anything you want, eat anything you want…. the streets are made of GOLD…. think about that…. the streets are made of Gold. In American society (as well as others) Gold is the most precious of things, it is worth the MOST…. and what does God line the streets with? Gold…. its like He is  essentially  saying… You are worth sooo much more to me than anything of “the world” I have made the Kingdom of Heaven so MAGNIFICENT that you WALK on the one thing that the “world” finds so much worth in. In India they take their shoes off before entering any building or anywhere that people are because they think that you feet are the dirtiest part of your body. I understand this because if you were here walking in what we walk in every day… with flip flops on, you would wanna take your shoes off too. All that to say that I am sure that Grandpa is MORE than okay up in Heaven, I living the life he could not of ever even dreamed about because it is so GLORIOUS.

On the other hand it is soooo painful for me. Why? Well as easily as it is to know he is in the most wonderful place to ever exist… we are still here on earth, in pain from his death. I think I am not even sad about the fact that he is dead… because I know he is happier and having more fun now than he has in a long time. No, the tears are coming because I think about my Mom and her sisters and Brothers, my dad and my sisters. The pain that is going on inside their hearts right now because they will miss him so incredibly much. I want to be there to comfort them, to give my mom a hug and tell her that everything is going to be okay. 

Now the tears are really coming.

But instead I am here in India…. living my dreams… helping OTHERS as they die. Visiting lepers who suffer daily from pain and amputation… being rejected from society. Why is death such a hard reality to face if it happens every day to thousands of people all over the world? 

Why does that pain in my heart  hurt so much?

Why do the orphan children that have no fathers or mothers? Why did they not want them. I see that what these children want more than anything is for you to hold them and love them all the time. The reality of poverty in your face EVERYDAY ALL DAY. It gets to you… it gets under your skin. That too is such an intense feeling… 

I was talking with my dad earlier about Grandpa… and he said something that was confirmation to me that I am where  I am  supposed to be for this time in my life. He told me that the surgery that my grandpa underwent was optional. He was in such poor condition that he thought “anything will be better than the life I am living now”. He had an operation on his brain…. and it was successful. He went in with the HOPE of coming out better… a better quality of life. He was fine. He came out of the hospital and went back to live his life… and then he had a  stroke, which put him in a coma. They said he could hear everything going on around him, but he was just not able to respond. So my family got to pray with him as they were told he only had about 10 minutes left to live…. but like my sister Jamie said “catch 22… now he is really getting a chance to live”…. she is so right.

My dad compared my Grandpas death to my life. He went into this surgery knowing that it was dangerous, but he was willing to put himself in that danger because he did not want to have to live like he was living anymore. It was worth it to him to go to extreme measures to live the life he wanted to live, one that would bring him joy every day… not pain. My dad then said “you are like Grandpa… you are living in India. You went to an extreme measure to live the life that allows you to really LIVE each day. A life that involves love and joy … although you may be in dangerous situations. You didn’t want the life in America…. working at a “convenient store” is how he phrased it actually (why he thinks I would choose to work at a convenient store is beyond me… but thats besides the point)” 

Life is short… bring heaven to earth while we are here… so we can all experience it together. 

I love you Grandpa. Rest in Peace. Bounce around on the clouds for me (I have always wanted to do that). You are an inspiration to me and I love you very much…